The Wall Of Silence
by DelMarch
Summary: Two-shot. Ikkaku and Yumichika have let a wall of silence and assumptions grow between them, and it is killing them both inside. Specific summary for each piece in chapter headers.
1. Unredeemable

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite.

Summary: Yumichika envies Christians for their belief in an all-loving and all-powerful Redeemer.

--

Unredeemable

Redemption.

Complete and undeserved redemption.

What a strange and wonderful concept.

The idea that no matter the mistakes you have made, no matter how horribly you have messed things up, it can all be straightened out, simply because there is someone out there who has the power to rectify everything, and this someone _wants_ to correct your blunders just because they _love_ you...

How I wish I could believe that.

It must feel so lovely to spend an entire life thinking that being imperfect is acceptable, and that there is an omnipotent being keeping an ever-benevolent eye on you. It is no wonder, really, that they celebrate the birth of this supposed being. It must truly be a time of rejoicing for them...

If only I could join in that rejoicing... If only I too could believe that after even the most horrible life can come the most perfect, beautiful eternity...

But I am already living my after-life, am I not? And so I know for sure that it is not in any way like they imagine it is. There is no God here, no all-powerful, all-loving God with the magical ability to make everything fine again somehow.

The after-life is just like life itself. You must pay for every error you make, and nobody but you will clean after you if you screw up. You must fight tooth and nail for every goal you want to accomplish, and if you are unlucky and you get the short end of a deal, nobody will cry for you and offer to compensate. You must be strong and alert because nobody else will risk their own skin to defend you against those who prey on the weak.

And above all, you must always remember that nobody cares about you, who you really are inside. Even when you are rich, noble and powerful like Kuchiki Byakuya, still nobody cares about your feelings, your dreams, your fears. You might as well not exist, and nobody would so much as notice.

I know it is weak, and shameful and ugly, but sometimes I wish I had someone to turn to like they have - someone who would simply love me unconditionally, and listen to me without judging me or criticising me, someone who would tell me that everything is going to be okay in the end, no matter how awful life seems to be right now, and that I need not worry because they will take care of my troubles for me.

I wish I could pray like they do, with the assurance that this all-powerful and all-loving God is listening to them, and cares about them, and wants to help them, and is _going _to help them... I read they call it "faith", this inner knowledge and conviction, and that it gives some of them the strength and the courage to accomplish feats they never would have thought they could achieve. Is it not strange how a mistaken belief can still be so powerful, and so beautiful to behold?

I become so tired sometimes of fighting on my own, always on my own... I would give almost anything to have a chance to unload my troubles on someone else, just once, just for a while, just for a few minutes - a chance to believe, even if only for one single moment, that I am acceptable just the way I am, that I am not a failure and I do not have to keep struggling to change myself, that I am worthy of being loved just for who I am, no matter my shortcomings...

Che, listen to me: "loved for who I am"; how pathetic, how ridiculous indeed.

Love... Love is an illusion at best, a fraud at worst. Even if it were real, it would not be for people like me anyway, people who fail to provide what they are asked for, people who dishonour those they profess to serve.

I was so close... I had managed to follow him through thick and thin, all the way to the Gotei 13, all the way to the 11th Division, to that Zaraki Kenpachi he wanted to devote his life to. I am not strong like they are, I am not as powerful or as fight-hungry as they are, but still, I had managed to make it there with him, and I thought I could almost start seeing my goal looming in the distance. All that was left for me to do was to obtain shikai and bankai like him, and I could have considered myself worthy of his respect and attention at last. Just a couple more steps, and I could have allowed myself to think that I had honourably repaid my debt to him, I could have stopped seeing myself as a worthless leech hanging on to him; maybe I could even have dared hope to one day become his equal, his true partner...

So close... So far. Out of reach, forever, I know it now.

All my efforts ever since he took me in, all my hard work, all my determination - swept away with just one word.

Kidou.

Kidou. My zanpakutou's type. My nature. Me.

The _one_ thing I was not supposed to be, the one thing I must not be, the one thing in the entire universe I _could_ not be.

It hurts so much... I wish I could laugh at the irony of it all, but how do you laugh at the fact that no matter what you ever do, no matter how hard you ever try, you will _never_ be acceptable in the eyes of the one person that matters to you? How do you deal with the simple, terrible truth that you will never reach your one goal in life, you will never fully honour your hero, simply because of your very nature, because of who and what you _are_? This is no laughing matter, really.

He does not know of course. He will _never_ know, he _must_ never know. I would rather die than have him know, and I mean that literally. I will kill myself before revealing this to him, and I will kill anyone who would dare try to tell him.

But that does not change the facts. Just because I am hiding the truth from him, does not _change_ that truth. The facts remain, the truth remains: I have failed, I _am_ a failure. I have failed at _being_ the right thing. No matter how much I try to _do_ what is right, what does it matter, when I _am_ what is wrong??

That is why I envy them. They believe that they are fundamentally flawed, but that this God loves them anyway. They believe they are "sinners" who can never do anything right because they were born rotten to begin with, and that this perfect God loves them nonetheless, and can _make_ them perfect in the after-life. They believe they do not have to make themselves perfect, because He will do it for them. They believe they _cannot_ reach perfection in life or in the after-life but that it is still all right, because they do not _need_ to, because He will just extend his own perfection to them.

How wonderful it must be to live life with such a belief. Of course, I know they will have a nasty shock when they die and discover just how wrong they were, but in the meantime, they will have spent years, _decades_ maybe, living a happy, hopeful life. Me, I would give anything for just a few _minutes_ of feeling like that...

Just a few minutes of believing that if I told him the truth, he would not be disappointed and disgusted.

Just a few minutes of believing that if I revealed everything about me, he would still want me around, he would still consider me worthy of his companionship.

Just a few minutes of reveling in the pure happiness that I imagine must come from knowing that your one person knows you, and accepts you, and yes, even loves you, fully and completely, without any reservations or conditions, and that nothing you can do or say will ever change that anymore.

I would give anything for just a few minutes like that. Anything.

And that is how they get to live their whole life!

How truly, deeply lucky they are...

***

"C'mon, man, let's go! We don't have all day!"

"... I'm coming..."

Yumichika threw one last longing look at the display before turning to follow Ikkaku out of the building.

As was now the custom since Yachiru had discovered the existence of "Christmas" a decade or so earlier, the Third Seat and the Fifth Seat had been sent on a mission to the Material World to collect all kinds of special treats and presents for their little Lieutenant's Christmas party.

And as was customary too by now, Yumichika had once again been enthralled by the Christmas displays in the streets and the stores. Ikkaku always grumbled that he did not understand what his friend saw in those ridiculous tacky decorations, but he always gave him time to admire them nonetheless.

There was one place in particular that Yumichika insisted on visiting every year, ever since he had studied the meaning of Christmas in a book he had bought on their second such shopping trip. The small and modest building in a quiet side-street of Karakura Town did not look like anything remarkable from the outside, and they almost never met anyone there, but there was always light and warmth inside whenever they came, as well as a soft, happy music spilling into the frozen street through the half-open door.

It was a Christian church, and every year, a different Nativity scene was displayed in a corner of the main room. Ikkaku had made it clear at first that he could not fathom why the little figures in the weird fake stable fascinated Yumichika so much, but after a couple of years of facing his friend's quiet and very silent smile for all answer, he had given up on ever obtaining an explanation, and had taken to just sitting on a chair while waiting for Yumichika to do whatever it was he was doing in his head while kneeling in front of the scene.

There was no way Yumichika could ever share with him the thoughts that crossed his mind as his gaze wandered over the family of three, and the shepherds and the kings, the animals and the angels. It was not because he thought Ikkaku would not understand, but because he was ashamed of entertaining those ideas to begin with. He was ashamed, and yet at the same time, he could not help looking forward to this moment every year. Like some strange addiction, the Nativity scene kept drawing him back year after year, luring him with an almost-promise of deliverance, even if deep down he knew he was only fooling himself.

Christianity, like all other religions, was dreadfully wrong in its beliefs, but Yumichika still found its concept of redemption utterly fascinating, and that was why he loved watching the scenes: because while he was looking silently and intently into the various faces of the baby Jesus, he could allow himself, for just one minute, to dream that maybe, maybe, somewhere in some universe, somehow, there was a way for him to stop being a failure after all. It was no more than a fantasy, an illusory reverie, but for one fleeting moment every year, in this small insignificant church flooded with light and Christmas music, he could almost, _almost_ touch it...

His heart always nearly broke with despair when he finally had to wrench his gaze away from the peaceful exhibition and settle his mind back into reality, but still he could not stop himself, year after year after year, from staring once more into the face of baby Jesus and hoping desperately against hope, wishing against all odds, with all his heart, his soul, his entire being, that Jesus were real, just for one minute, and were able to make him right, to make him good, to make him acceptable...

"Yumichika, for pity's sake!!"

"I'm coming!"

_I'm coming, Ikkaku, I'm coming... Even if I'll never, ever arrive... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..._

**

The End


	2. A Simple Misunderstanding

Disclaimer: Kubo Tite owns Bleach.

Summary: Ikkaku tries to come to terms with the fact that Yumichika is throwing his talents, and possibly his life, away because of a simple misunderstanding.

A/N: this takes place right after Ikkaku defeated Edorad, before he and Yumichika follow Keigo home.

--

A Simple Misunderstanding

"Don't move."

I'm tryin', kid, I'm tryin'! Ain't that easy, you know. Darn body hurts all over. I really overdid myself this time, di-

Ouch! ... Damn... Okay Ikkaku, breathe and stay calm, breathe, and, stay, calm... It's just a bit o' pain, you can take it, easy man, easy...

Easy...

Wow...

Better, much better already...

You know Yumichika... Even after all those years, I gotta say I'm still really impressed by how good you're at this... You'd make one heck of a healer, no doubt about that... That is, _if_ Taichou and the guys didn't kill you first, of course...

Man, it'd be almost worth it telling them all about it just to see their faces! Their Third Seat, being healed by their Fifth Seat using the healing kidou techniques of the 4th Division, ha, that'd be something all right! But then Taichou would probably skewer us, or demote us, or expel us from the Squads or something, and that would stink big time. So, yeah, but no.

I mean, I know the guys fear us, and I guess the Lieutenant likes us, and I'm pretty sure the Captain likes us a bit too, but I don't think any of this would count if they found out about _that_. You and I, we've done some crazy things over the years, but an 11th Divisioner using something from the wimps? That'd be taking the joke too far, that's for sure. We'd lose all respect from everyone in the Division if they knew about it.

In fact, I'm rather surprised none of them's noticed anything so far. I know they aren't the brightest, but still, after all that time, you'd think one of them curious bastards would have noticed something. Che, they're always putting their noses where they don't belong but when you do something right there and then under their eyes, they don't see it!

Gotta hand it to you, though, you've been a model of discretion on that one. I mean, I know just how sneaky you can be when you wanna be, but such constant secrecy, that's almost scary. Makes me wonder if even _I_ would know if you tried to hide something from me, if you really tried I mean...

The way ya learned all those spells and techniques just by looking at them, the way ya never even seem to be watching what's going on, the way ya can keep on talking to people while observing the medics from the corner of your eyes... I'd have missed all of that if I hadn't known you better. And you never mentioned it either, I had to bring it up myself. So I can't help but wonder sometimes if there are other things you're hiding from me... Makes me wish we could go back to the old days, when you told me everything and I knew instantly when something was bothering ya... I miss that, Yumichika, I really do...

Oh well! The past's the past, what's done's done and gone, we can't go back anymore!

So!

... Where was I?

Ah yes! If even _I_ can't be sure I notice all you're doing, I guess I can't really blame the guys for being so blind, heh? And after all, it's not like I _want_ them to notice anything, right? So I figure I should just count myself, well, ourselves really, lucky, and leave it at that.

I remember, though, I was worried about the wimps of the 4th at first; _they_ were bound to notice something was seriously off, when we started showing up at their place with our worst injuries already half-healed, and your reiatsu all over them. It's their job after all and even if they stink at fighting, they are darn good at doing their own stuff, even Taichou says so. So yeah, I was afraid one of them would let something slip in front of the guys, but no, never happened. I guess them wimps are too scared of getting into troubles with us to say anything.

Because the thing is, I _know_ they know. It shows, it just shows. Like when Isane-san starts whispering the full spells she's using, or pretending to rehearse what she's doing whenever you and I are around, you can't tell me that's normal. The girl is Kotetsu-fukutaichou for pity's sake, I'm darn sure she doesn't need to say the stuff out loud to make it work! Proof is, she never does it when the guys are there with us, only when it's just the two of us. So yeah, it's clear they know, and they are trying to help, in their own way... Nice of them I suppose... Even if it _i__s_ a bit cowardly...

But then, who are we to talk, huh? Hiding things from the Captain and the Lieutenant, from the guys, from everyone really, never daring to use that stuff when there is someone, anyone, around...Well, there _is_ someone right now, sure, but that kid doesn't count. 'S not like he's gonna blab to anyone. I mean, just look at him! I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants on the spot when you explained to him exactly what would happen if he ever told anyone about the healing. Che, wi-

Ooooohhhh.... I dunno what you did just now, but _boy_, that felt _good_... Repaired a fractured vertebra, you say? Ah yes, I guess that would do it...

I really messed myself up tonight, didn't I? Sorry about that. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. Seriously though, that was one _he__ll_ of a fight!! I'd've never hoped for those guys to be so strong! I know what Hitsugaya-taichou explained and everything, but going head to head with one of them Arrancar is something you can't imagine until you've done it. And on our first night into the mission too! Boy, am I lucky tonight! I got an amazing fight, I found us a place to stay, and you're there to put me back together. What more could I ask for, really?

Well...

There _is_ something I could ask for, but we both know that ain't gonna happen, now, don't we? You're not gonna change your mind just like that. Even if your decision back then made no sense. Even if it's not what I've ever wanted, not even close...

I still really don't get it, kid, even after all that time. Where did I go wrong? Seriously, when did I make you feel like you should be ashamed of your kidou? Yumichika, just tell me, when did I ever tell you that there was something wrong with you for using kidou? I mean, I know _how_ it happened, but I still... Even after all that time, I still don't understand _why_ it happened. What went through your head, Yumichika?? How could you possibly _think_...?

**

_"Yo, Madarame, feeling smug, are ya?"  
__  
"What'cha talking about?"_

_"Made Third Seat, didn't ya? Feel like you made it to the top, don't ya?"_

_"Che. So what?"_

_"Heh. How long do you think you're gonna stay there?"_

_"Whaddaya mean?"_

_"It's only a matter of time before someone else comes along and takes you down."_

_"You wish, you ugly beast. He's stronger than any of you people, and you know it."_

_"Oi, Ayasegawa, I didn't ask for your opinion, okay!?"_

_"That doesn't make me wrong."_

_"Yeah well... He might be stronger, but he's got his weaknesses too!"_

_"Oh? Like what?"_

_"Ha! All it would take to bring him down would be a well-placed kidou spell. That's right, everybody knows you suck at kidou, Madarame."_

_"Che. If ya ask me, anyone who'd use such a lame technique don't deserve to be in the Zaraki Squads to begin with."_

_"Hey? What are you saying?"_

_"Kidou is for wimps who can't fight. Zaraki-taichou wants strong men, and strong men don't need no lame kidou to win their battles. Ya don't see him or the Lieutenant using kidou, do ya?"_

_"Well..."_

_"Well, no, you don't. That's 'cause kidou doesn't belong here. Kidou ain't the way of the 11th. We fight using our zanpakutou, that's who we are, that's what we do. If someone can beat me that way, then fine, they deserve my seat. But otherwise, I'd say they don't even deserve to be in the Zaraki Squads. So there. And it's Madarame-_sanseki_ to you from now on, make sure to remember that."_

_**  
_

Argh. Still makes me sick every time I think of it. Not because of what I said, of course not. You and I both know why I said that, don't we? Stupid idiot was right, I'm no good at kidou, would've been easy to take me down with it, and I hadn't worked my ass off to beat everyone on the way to the third seat just to be wiped out by some wimp throwing some kidou spell at me! Nuh-uh, no way no how. Wasn't gonna let that happen.

And it's not like I was technically wrong either. It's totally true that Taichou and Fukutaichou never use kidou. Okay, I admit, it's mostly because they don't _need_ to, they are so freakishly strong already, but still. They don't use kidou. And when Taichou says he wants strong men, I'm pretty darn sure he's not talking of people who are good at using kidou. Let's be honest, we all know that, right?

Well, I _thought_ we all knew that, at least. I thought that was why my opinion got repeated all over the Division in the months after that little discussion. I thought it was just because most of the guys agreed with it. After all, most of them were rather bad at kidou too, so it'd have made sense that they would hang on to something like that. You know, turn a weakness into a strength and all that stuff: "It's not that the 11th is weak at kidou, it's that we don't _want _to use it, yeah, we don't wanna use it 'cause it's for sissies!" Sounds much better, doesn't it? Typically the kind of tradition you'd expect in a Division like ours. And on top of it, it made my life easier, so hey, it was only benefits to me, right?

Man, if I'd known... I swear, Yumichika, if I'd known what was going on, if I'd known you were behind all that, I'd have punched your face in and put an end to all that crap right there and then!

What _ever_ made you think I'd want something like that!? What ever made you think that I'd want you, you of all people, to do something like that to yourself!? Shit, Yumichika, how _could_ you??

I don't get it. Even after all those decades, I _still_ don't get it. You, _you_, campaigning against the use of kidou, it's... It's like... Like a bird arguing against the use of wings! Like a fish demanding that all the creatures of the river start living on land. Like a leopard saying that there is something wrong with spotted coats. What the hell, Yumichika? _Why did you do that!?_

Well... I know why you did it, of course I know. Doesn't make it any easier, though. Quite the contrary in fact.

Don't you understand, kid? Don't you understand how much it hurts to watch you imprison yourself like that? Yumichika... Kidou... Kidou is what you're best at, it's what you've _always_ been best at. You're good, you're awesomely good at zanjutsu, and hohou, and even hakuda, I don't deny that, of course not. But you're a _wizard_ at kidou. You're a natural, a genius!

Okay, so maybe you weren't so good at it when we entered the Gotei 13, but that didn't mean anything. After all that had happened, and the fact that there hadn't been anyone to help you train during those last years we spent in Rukongai, it was to be expected that you'd be pretty rusty and all. Would've helped if we'd gone to the Academy too, but we both agreed back then that we didn't wanna do that, so...

So you went and figured another way! That's what you did, remember? Nobody told you to, and it wasn't easy 'cause you had so much work to do at the Squads, but you still found a way to get into contact with that guy in the 5th and to get some private training with him every now and then. You didn't do that for hohou or hakuda, only for kidou, that's how much it meant to you!

And then I mentioned once, just _once_, that kidou isn't the way of the 11th and...

Dammit, Yumichika, what went wrong in your head!? If anyone should have dismissed my words, it was you! You knew exactly why I'd said that, and it's not like I'd ever said anything about _you_ using kidou. Come on, you were already, what, 13th, 12th Seat, by that time? I don't remember, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you were climbing the hierarchy and everyone knew you'd keep going for a while, because you were just _that_ good. And you were that good _without ever using kidou_! All those stalkers whose asses you'd kicked with just a flick of your zanpakutou, all those Seats you'd defeated on your way up almost without breaking a sweat... You were good at kidou, yes, but you never used it against our own guys, 'cause you said you wanted to give them a fair chance or something, and _everyone knew that_!

So why, _why_ did you feel like you had to go and convince everyone that nobody in the 11th should ever use kidou!? Why, Yumichika, why??

... Che. Crap...

You know... I still wonder _how_ you even did it, to be honest. People must have looked at you funny. You, one of the best kidou users in the Division, campaigning against the use of kidou; must have been a sight. Though knowing you, I suppose nobody ever even _realised_ you were behind all that, right? You sneaky bastard, it's totally like you to wrap an entire Division around your little finger without anyone even noticing what's going on!

Heck, even _I_ didn't notice anything until that guy from the 5th showed up asking for you, and told me you two hadn't had a session in _months_. That's when I figured that no, I wasn't imagining things when I thought I heard the underlings whispering to one another that anyone wanting to use kidou within the Division had better make sure you didn't hear about it. It seemed so ridiculous, so fantastic, I couldn't bring myself to believe it at first, until the guy came and it became so blindingly obvious.

I could have beaten myself for being so stupid, really. Instead, I just got one of the biggest hangovers of my life. Still hurts just to remember how much my head ached for three days after I woke up. Unohana-taichou said I'd got alcohol poisoning or something. She wasn't happy, to say the least! Said it wasn't reasonable, or responsible. Like I cared. All I could think of was how I could change what you'd done, how I could reverse it before it was too late.

Except that it was _already _too late and I knew it. I knew it because I knew you. Once you've got your eyes set on something, it's almost impossible to make you change your mind. I've known many stubborn people in my life, but you're easily the most stubborn of them all when you want to be. And you always wanna be where I'm concerned... I wish... Che. I wish you didn't take everything I say so seriously... I know it's my fault too, 'cause I'm always pushing you around and telling you what to do, but... I wish you'd just say _no_, every once in a while.

And I really, _really_ wish you didn't try to please me so badly. What am I supposed to do, Yumichika, to make you understand that I'm fine with you the way you are? That I'm proud of who and what you are? That you don't need to be doing nothing to please me or whatever, and that there's nothing you can do or say that would make me stop... stop being so darn proud of you!?

I wish I could make you _feel_ just how much it hurts when I have to watch you pretend to be something you're not, pretend to be a good little thug who would never dream of using kidou for anything. How do you think I feel when I have to stand and listen to you explaining to the new recruits, time after time after time, that "kidou isn't welcome in the Division and they'd better not be caught using it"? Hint: proud, happy and satisfied aren't it, not even close.

But you know what's the worst part of it all? It's when I've got to stand aside and watch you get blasted in a fight or have to take crazy risks to land a hit on your opponent, when I know perfectly well that you could simply use a bit of kidou to protect yourself or to reach them from a safe distance. Makes me wanna scream every single time, makes me wanna shake you hard and long enough that whatever went unscrewed in your head gets back into place and you start thinking straight again. Well, reasonably straight at least, because you never truly thought straight, did you? I swear, if I thought this would work, I'd do it, instead of just bringing you your paperwork at the 4th and praying all the while that you don't one day run into that enemy that will be too strong for you to take without kidou... And you'll let yourself die instead of "disappointing me" or some such crap...

Which, considering what happened tonight, might very well happen very soon, but I can't let myself think about that, because I'll go crazy if I do, so instead I'll just... I dunno, I guess I'll just hope that the next fight we get won't be against an Arrancar, or at least not one as strong as this one tonight was, because I dunno where I'll find the strength to just stand there and watch you die, die without even trying to use your full power, die -

Raah! Must. Not. Think. Of...

What?

"Nah, I'm fine, just... Hey, it's nothing, really... Just go on."

Gotta calm down. Gotta breathe. In, out. In, out...

I remember... I remember how hopeful I felt when you started showing interest in the healing kidou techniques. It was one of the craziest things you could do - and man, you sure had done some crazy things over the decades already! - but I figured that maybe if you started with that, eventually you'd go back to using fighting kidou. Healing kidou was really the last type of kidou I'd have wanted you to learn, but it was better than no kidou at all, as far as I was concerned. That's why I made sure to show you my support once I realised what you were up to. I knew if I so much as frowned at it, you'd drop it instantly, and I didn't want that, not in a thousand years. Guess I was lucky that for once you got the message right.

I must admit I didn't expect you to become so good at healing, though. I should have, I suppose, but it never really occurred to me that healing kidou is just another type of kidou, so _of course_ you'd be good at it. I guess I'm just having a hard time reconciling the thought of a born fighter like you with the image of a healer. Even though I should know better, what with Unohana-taichou and stuff...

It's rather handy, mind you. I haven't been to the 4th anywhere as much those last couple of decades, because I can just go to you and get all the minor stuff patched in a jiffy. I like how it annoys you, too; you're funny when you get in a huff about it, when you start accusing me of taking unnecessary risks because "hey, Yumichika will fix it all up" or something. You're not completely wrong, I'll give you that, but it's your own fault you know, you shouldn't have learned all that healing kidou in the first place if you didn't want me to make good use of it. Heh.

Seriously though, I don't particulary enjoy it, you know. It makes me feel like such a hypocrite. I'm the Division's Third Seat, I should be "upholding the traditions", shouldn't I? Also, well, it kinda defeats the whole point of you campaigning against the use of kidou if I actually _make_ you use kidou, right? But you know what? None of this matters anywhere as much as watching you practice the damn stuff.

You come first, Yumichika. You always have, and you always will. And if I have to choose between you and _anything_ else, I'll choose you. I'll choose you over some stupid traditions. I'll choose you over the Division if I have to. Hell, I'll even choose you over Zaraki himself if that's what it takes! And yeah, I'll choose you, the _real_ you, and your _best_ interests, over that stupid foolish devotion of yours, over your ridiculous wishes and desires, if you force me to. I'll do anything, _anything_, to bring you back, to bring the real Yumichika back, the one I knew back then, the one who didn't think he was worthless, and that he could only live through me and for me. I don't like this Yumichika, I don't like what he's done to you, how he's killed the fire in you, how he's turned you into some kind of spooky ghost of yourself. I'll get rid of him, and I'll bring _you_ back.

I don't care what it'll take, or how long, but I _will_ bring you back, Yumichika. Even if I have to _fight you_ for that.

So yeah, I'll lay still tonight, and I'll wait patiently, and I'll smile or something, while you put me back together, better and faster than many of the pros at the 4th. I won't say anything, because you're not ready yet, you wouldn't understand, maybe you would even freak out. I won't say anything, but I'll watch you as you work your magic, and I'll wish for the day when I can tell you.

Tell you how freakishly good you look, with your face all screwed up and sweaty like that, and your hands and arms shaking from the strain and the fatigue, and your lips moving silently. You look awesome, Yumichika, you look beautiful, _truly_ beautiful. Maybe not quite as great as when you fight, but almost. You look beautiful because you look like you.

You look like the kidou master that you are, that you should be. Even though you're definitely _also_ a true member of the Zaraki Squads, through and through, nobody could deny that. But it's only in your mind that those things can never go together, you know? Me, I have no problem at all with you being the Kidou Master of the 11th Division, as weird as it may sound.

I just wish I knew how to _tell_ you all of that, Yumichika. I wish I knew how to get through to you, and bring you back, pull you out of that shell you've built around yourself. 'Cause I miss you, kid, I miss you so much. If only you showed me how to reach you... I'd walk to the moon and back if that could be enough.

Please Yumichika, come back to me. Stop those riddles, stop those games, and just be yourself again. That's all I ask of you, that's all I want from you.

Too bad it's the only thing you don't seem to know how to give me...

**

The End


End file.
